I can’t tell you how many times I’ve listened to female friends tell me that they don’t need a man to carry her bags at the mall or open the door for her, blah blah blah. I completely understand the “I am a modern, independent woman and am just fine with or without you” mentality. I think it is a wonderful thing to have such a strong sense of independence. I think it’s healthy, in fact. I don’t think it’s normal to need a guy to compliment the way a girl looks. I don’t think it’s normal to need anything from a guy.

However, as a girl, I may not need a guy to do something nice for me, but that doesn’t mean I don’t want a guy to do something nice for me. It isn’t a matter of what is being done, but the fact that some guy wanted to do it for me. The thought really does count here. It’s the stupid, romantic, gushy little things that really add up and make a difference in a relationship.

When there is a guy who I really like, and want to impress, I like to bake for him. I’ll bake brownies, cupcakes, cookies, pies, or whatever else as a way to show him that he was on my mind and I really do care for him. I want him to know that I care without me having to verbalize it. I want to make him smile. It’s something so simple as making a pie that can mean so much.

I think secretly, most girls want guys to do the same thing. We don’t want to ask guys to do cute, romantic things for us. We want guys to choose to do it on their own. It isn’t that we need a guy to do something to show us that he cares, but that doesn’t change the fact that it’s still sweet and will make us smile.

However, we do live in a culture that strives for equality across gender lines and women before us worked hard to get us to where we are today. So here’s the trick guys: If she opens the door for you, say “ladies first,” and then wait. If she insists that you go in, then go. Knowing that you wanted to be polite but you still respect her strength as a woman promotes the perfect balance between the two.

It’s all about chivalry. We just want the men in our lives to be brave, honorable, gentlemen. Being chivalrous doesn’t make you a sissy. It doesn’t mean that you go to ballets or stupid junk like that. Being a little chivalrous every so often is just a little way to show that you care. Sometimes, it is hard to verbalize how you feel, and it doesn’t matter how many times a girl says that it’s stupid or gushy or unnecessary. Regardless, it’s still sweet and it will always make her smile.

We, as girls, want to do nice things for boys, but we want boys to do nice things too. I think that this reciprocation is missing in a lot of relationships today. I also believe that it is really important. My parents have been married for almost 20 years, and they both still do this romantic junk. I think it’s cute, and I only want everyone else in the world to be as happy as my parents. So let’s bring chivalry back.

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On September 22nd, 2009, the Last Lecture Series sponsored by United Campus Ministry and Christians Open Minded presented Dr. David Hill, a professor of psychology and a licensed psychologist. In the packed Stayer Hall multi-purpose room, Hill discussed his lecture titled, “Happiness, Misery, and Relationships” to his audience.

“My father used to say to me and my siblings, ‘You’ve got to take the bitter with the sweet,’” Hill said. It is a quote actually taken from a song by Billy Eckstine dating back to his father’s adolescent and early adult years. “My father said to my mother, luckily I was sitting there, ‘You are the best thing that ever happened to me, Lucille,’” Hill said. He thought back to his years back home, when his late father used to fill the household with memories that would last a lifetime. It is one of the contributions that have played a significant role in the aspects of his life. That night, his message to everyone is everything contributes to your life; your happiness and misery. The key finding prevalent in the research of what contributes to happiness and unhappiness is relationships. In regards to significant people, one’s happiness and misery is influenced by relationships with parents, siblings, friends, mentors, God, or some higher power.

Relationships can extend to one’s hobbies or interests through a concept known as “flow.” This is when happiness can be felt through a sense of timelessness, such as horseback riding, where the enjoyment and happiness makes time flow by quickly. “Flow” can even be experienced through intellectual means: a professor teaching his class or a student giving an oral report. “Flow” causes the person to become “focused on the activity or challenge at that moment, similar to a meditative state,” Hill said.

Similar to “flow” is mindfulness, another concept conducted on subjects who were suffering from borderline personality disorder, dialectical behavior therapy, bipolar disorder, or substance abuse. The objective was to controlling their emotions and avoiding suicide, decreasing when it became too high or increasing when it became too low. Another similar method is through “runner’s high,” a chemical reaction with endorphins.

Dr. Janet Kiecolt-Glaser, along with other researchers like John Gottman, studied that transactions within the context of relationships derive in part from brain structures and brain chemicals known as neurotransmitters, exerting a powerful effect on immune systems. They can implant on the vegas nerve an electronic pulse in the subject’s brain, deeper if desired, that can stimulate certain areas and help elicit a certain response.

One of the reasons for bad relationships lies in the immune system’s functioning in the context of relationships. The immune system is more vulnerable to diseases when couples criticize each other rather than sticking to the facts of an argument. The question then becomes whether or not one should actually marry. About 95 percent do marry at least once; it would increase if gay, lesbian, bisexual, and transgender marriages were legal.

Sue Johnson, ED.D, focused on the question and built upon the attachment theory. According to Sue Johnson, “Love is an attachment bond.” From love brings about great suffering and pain, yet happiness and pleasure. Other researchers, such as Cindy Hazan and Phillip Shaver have also conducted research along these lines.

John Gottman, his wife, and their colleagues at the University of Washington have studied marriages of long duration rather than marriages near the end to discover what composes marital longevity. From their research, they have identified four myths: the first myth is that avoiding conflict will ruin the marriage. As the adage goes, “Never go to bed angry.” The second myth is that affairs are the main cause of divorce. Dr. Hill says, “An affair marks a severe danger in marriage.” The third myth is that men are not biologically made for marriage, despite the fact married men live longer than married women. The fourth and last myth is that men and women are from different planets, based on John Grey’s book, “Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus.”

Furthermore, Gottman and his colleagues have provided a “recipe for relationships.” The first ingredient is to establish “love maps.” According to Dr. Hill, “love maps” are, in essence, getting to know your partner very well. Simply put, one has to be attune, or emotionally dialed in, listening and remembering every aspect of their partner. The second ingredient is nurturing fondness and admiration. Both partners should be fond of the other’s traits, abilities, and accomplishments, admiring them as good things. The third ingredient is a saying that goes, “When the going gets tough, they turn toward each other instead of away from each other.” Instead of the man turning to bars, drugs, or violence and the woman turning to her girlfriends, they turn to each other. This process is called triangulation, a method used in mathematics as well. The fourth ingredient is letting your partner influence you. Do what your partner tells you to do. The fifth ingredient is solving the solvable conflicts. Out of all the conflicts a relationship endures, one-third (33 percent) is solvable while two-thirds (67 percent) are unresolvable, also known as perpetual. It is commonly seen in strong well-functioning relationships. The sixth and last ingredient is finding ways to talk about sex that is comfortable to both partners.

Finally, Dr. Hill concluded his lecture with the results Gottman and his colleagues have identified as the “Four Horsemen of the Marital Apocalypse,” or what makes relationships miserable, ultimately ending them. The first horseman is criticism, attacking the spouse personally about their work and the like. The second horseman is contempt, becoming aloof from the spouse and demanding superiority. The third horseman is defensiveness, which prevents the spouse from having a word in matters or allowing them a voice of opinion. The fourth and last horseman is stonewalling, as the name states, building an invisible, and metaphorical stone wall between each other that keeps situations unsettled.

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She says, “I’m leaving.”

I ask my friend what’s going on. “She had a bad day, and isn’t in the mood for talking.”

“Well,” said I, “I have bad days all the time, and people don’t care about me one way or another. I thought she was being rude by moving in such close quarters and not being verbal.”

“You should have tapped her on the shoulder, not poke her on the shoulder,” says my friend.

“Tapped her. I was already afraid of how annoying it would be to have a random guy touch her in a square centimeter, and you’re asking me to touch half a square foot of a woman’s body?” It’s like, you’re the gender society doesn’t restrict out in the open. If you want a relationship, you have to make the first move now because of changing times. I’m not going to caress a random girl just because “the book” says they like touch, and I’m not going to a dance party unless it’s doo-wop, jazz, or disco.

When a man shows his emotions at first, he doesn’t have depth, but when a woman is expressive, suddenly she has depth and she needs space? Guys are still supposed to be absolute stone-faces in some places.

On the other hand, I am proud to say that I go to a campus with so many women (a 2 to 1 ratio, as I last heard) that a significant number of them are majoring in biology, physics, chemistry, and math. These women are aware that it is illogical to talk to a stone, because a stone undergoes a lot of “pressure,” experiences occasional volcanic activity, may express random “sediments,” and only reveal “what’s really inside” when you “break them apart.”

One day when I was at a particular campus event, there was a pause in a conversation between the leader and a cute girl. I chimed in and got no response. I spent a few days deeply hurt, then suddenly, the girl shows up in a class of mine and starts talking to me like nothing happened. It turns out she was just sleepy the other day, and is really, really nice.

In dating, there are just too many rules. In Pennsylvania, there are even more–but wait–the age thing is a double standard. In the personals ads, an 18 year-old woman can date somebody up to age 60 as if this is Geoffrey Chaucer’s day (that’s the 1300′s, by the way) because that “crusty old knight” is likely to have wealth, muscle, and success in battle. (The Goths later took this out of proportion, saying that all men who couldn’t kill hundreds of other men, wear heavy armor, and drink a lot of beer, should die).

All the time, I wonder why people disappear and keep coming up with alibis now, and why I was asked out more in high school. The reason is–it’s the new high school; people just take it more seriously. More cliques, more pretending they’re busy and talking to their best friends. It reminds me of when Xena and Callisto are having a fearsome battle, and then Callisto just leans over and kills Gabrielle’s husband just because she can. I would date Gabrielle, but not Xena.

Now put aside the Amazon world of dating, and you’re left with friendship. I’ve had several people complain to me about forgetting their names. “Well, I said, “you didn’t call me to hang out and you didn’t invite me to an event your group or club was having. I only saw you once in the past three weeks.” Geez, everybody does this. They say they’re my friends and take road trips to White Castle behind my back. There’s definitely a double standard here. I never cling to them like a stamp to a letter, but they expect me to treat them like so? Naw…that’s for my future wife, my best man, and other front-seat wedding guests, who I visit 500 miles away using Amtrak when you’re not looking. Honestly, if I could cash out my tuition/room/board and just travel, I’d be set for life.

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