Cooking something not worth eating

Why oh why did I decide to review a new release by some American Idol contestant?  Well, I must confess, thanks to the internet I have been listening to so much good music lately that I have not been forced to endure much of the dreck that is out there.

But in order to truly appreciate the finer things in life, one must also experience the bad, am I right?  Yin and yang!   In the spirit of ‘taking one for the team,’ consider this CD review my personal form of self-flagellation, as if I am that crazy albino guy who whips himself for penance in The DaVinci Code.

I am eating every last bite of this huge, horrible sandwich so that none of you will ever have to.

I do not watch American Idol, so I have no idea who David Cook is.  I have a sneaking suspicion, however, that he is not so good.  I base this solely on a Google image search that revealed to me Mr. Cook’s edgy, rock and roll-by-way-of- Abercrombie & Fitch-style!  I think he’s trying to look dangerous, but dangerous men do not use hair care products.  Let’s see how edgy and radical his music is.

The first song is called Declaration and it involves a piano and overwrought, emotional singing.  Twelve seconds in, Cook sings “I’m lookin’ for that magic rainbow on the horizon.”  Me too, David.  Me too.

The next song starts out with rock and roll guitars!  Wow is this guy going to strap on a pair and belt it out or what?  The answer is: no, he will not.  This is a rock power ballad with acoustic guitars and a country sensibility.  I guess you have to cover every demographic possible in order to make it on American Idol.

Song 3:  this sounds like that stupid Creed band.  No thanks.

The next track on the album is called Come Back To Me.  Maybe it’s about all of Cook’s friends who ditched him when he started getting all weird and serious about singing karaoke.  Come back to him!
He came, won the world’s biggest karaoke competition, and then put out a crappy album!  Come back!

The next three songs all seemed to blend together.  From what I remember, they were mid-tempo power ballads dripping with, well, passion is not the right word.  They were dripping with something that was just awful.

I about had it with David Cook.  He did not run off with my woman or shoot my dog or anything like that, but he is treading on thin ice here.

Whoa!  The next song is another piano ballad, but Cook is singing with power and intensity.  Some of the lyrics are about “holding your hair out of your face,” which I guess is supposed to be romantic.

For me, it conjures images of Cook holding some girl’s hair out of her face while she is puking all over his tour bus.  Wow, I think I just made David Cook kind of interesting!

Well that did not last long.  There were a few more songs on the disc, but frankly I lost interest and stopped listening.  Sorry.  This disc was not horrible, it was just so aggressively bland that I could not take any more of it.

I know these American Idol contestants get hooked up with top-notch producers and “hitmakers” and I suppose there is some measure of craft involved in the whole thing, but what a soulless exercise in mediocrity.

Luckily, I do not care about any of this stuff, because I do not have to.  But, if this is your thing, I say to you:

“Middle-aged women and young girls rejoice, for the soundtrack to your imaginary romantic lives has arrived!  Behold your muse, he of the strategically tousled hair. Ladies, guard your hearts and gird your loins as I present to you the one, the only: David Cook!  David Cook, everyone, David Cook!”

Grade: A+++